Around 2 hours before I was watching TV. While swapping channels, one of the channels was telecasting the movie DDLJ and the song “tuje dekha to ye Jana..” was being played. Though I have watched the song a lot of times before, this time, it brought back some known sensation to my body, some known smell, some known vibes. Truly speaking I couldn’t relate to it because I have been in a lot of relationships but there was something in that song that struck me that moment; have still not been able to figure out what…
This took me to the thought of my first relationship. Today when I sit and think back about it, I actually never felt anything for that particular girl; it was just that none of my friends at that age (17) had a girlfriend, this particular girl was the most approachable and accessible and I wanted to show off. Some of these stupid things led me to my first relationship (never call it an “affair”, I hate using that word). But the thought does not end there. If that day I would have been explained not to just rush into things just for the sake of it, I could have saved myself for what I started getting branded as( I am still branded the same)
It could have saved the innumerable attractions and failed relationships. What is more striking is, even after after that incident all the other relationships, (bearing one of them) were mere relations that were built on infatuation/attraction and later carried on for the sake of emotional & physical security & needs respectively. Also, after the age of 17, after my first relationship, which thank god took 17 years to start, I have barely remained without a girlfriend. Sometimes I even went to the extent of 2 timing.
So why was that in spite of having friends, in spite of having all other things very normal to people around me, I was always looking out for someone who could give me that emotional/physical security??
Was it something related to my childhood, I don’t know…
Today, it’s been 2 years to my marriage and I am going to be a father in the next 6 months. On the wall opposite me in my TV room, hangs a large collage prepared by my wife and gifted to me on my our anniversary ( I really don’t remember). That collage has selected pics right from the day we met till our honeymoon and some even after that. When I look at the “gentleman “in those pics, I really feel “was this me??” was I really posing for these pics this way and why was I smiling?? What was I thinking..
I am really not ready to face the judgement on myself on whether that kind of thinking is proper or not, because though we may not believe in it but I have faced it that things cannot always be black or white, sometime they ought to be grey also.
